ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
