One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
