my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Even my vagina gasped.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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