I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
