last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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