I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
