Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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