i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
