I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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