yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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