I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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