my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
