My Higher Power is John Stamos
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
