that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
