she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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