Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
