How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
