Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
FUCK WHALES
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
