i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
