the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
