i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
