I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize