Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
