why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
