Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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