She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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