I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
