explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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