get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
