i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
