There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
