Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
