I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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