My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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