You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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