woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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