Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
