Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
