Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
