there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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