If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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