I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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