If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I didn't notice because vodka
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
