so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
