I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
