Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
