A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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