I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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