I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
