You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
