i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
