Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
