I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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