ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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