I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
