Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
