I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
