why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
