the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
