ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
